


All's fair in Love and Monopoly

by Fictropes



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Attempt at humour, Bants, Established Relationship, M/M, monopoly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:41:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26288203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fictropes/pseuds/Fictropes
Summary: Phil does not play by the rules, Dan lets him win anyway.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 14
Kudos: 63





	All's fair in Love and Monopoly

“That doesn’t count.”

  
  
“What the fuck you do mean, it doesn’t count?”

  
  
“You didn’t actually roll them, you sort of just dropped them. Doesn’t count.” Phil makes a weird hand gesture, looks more like he’s wanking off an invisible man than teaching Dan how to roll a dice.  


“Firstly, can you not get off other men in front of me,” Phil has the decency to turn pink, drops his hand back down into his lap, “that’s my thing as displayed by many a tumblr gifset. Secondly, you’re literally only saying that because I got two sixes.” 

“No! I hadn’t even noticed.” Phil had noticed, the minute the dices dropped he’d stared at them with such indignation, like they were personally offending him, like they weren’t simply displaying double six, but his death date. 6/6. We’ll give you June 6th, but we won’t give you the year -look forward to that for the rest of time. 

“I’m keeping that roll, then i’m going to roll again. Literally nothing you can do to stop me.” Dan lands on the last train station, buys it just to piss Phil off. He’d been gunning for the full set from the start.

  
  
“I hate you, i’m sleeping on the balcony.” Monopoly causes arguments when played by a group, when played by two it becomes an all out war. “No, you’re sleeping on the balcony.”

  
  
“I think it’s my time to roll again, isn’t it? Cause I got the double just a minute ago, and all that. That’s the rules right? I get two goes, I get to pass go and collect my £200 and buy the electric company.” Dan’s being smug, so he’s surprised that Phil chooses that moment to be overcome with the need to kiss him. 

Phil’s got one hand in his hair, and one hand- “Phil.”

  
  
“Mhm?”

“Are you kissing me so you can steal money?” And he’s an idiot to think that after ten years his mouth, a bit of tongue, can distract Dan (It can, had taken him a solid forty five seconds to realise exactly what Phil was up to.)

  
  
“No!” He protests, sounding genuinely offended, like he hasn’t got a fistful of tens. 

  
  
“Where’d you get them from, then?” And it’s a weird conversation, their lips are still practically pressed together - it’s a testament to how much time they spend together that they can understand every muffled word.

“Steve.” 

  
  
“Sit down, and put them back.” 

  
  
Phil sits but he does not return the money, instead he says, “You owe me.”

  
  
“How?” Dan demands, it’s only been half an hour and Phil’s already pushing it. 

  
  
“You landed on my Mayfair earlier when it didn’t have a house, but now it has a house so you owe me back payment.” 

Dan stares at him, thinks that living with Phil is sometimes like living inside a sitcom - there are moments when he expects a laugh track to start playing. “By that logic you’re saying we owe our landlord, like, five years of rent in.. backpayment. That’s when the apartment was built, are you saying we should go give him what we owe? We can pause the game to go do that.”

Phil pulls a face, like he begrudges the fact Dan has a brain. “Fine.”

  
  
He releases the tens from his balled up fist, places the wrinkled notes back down next to the lovely, beautiful flat ones. It immediately drives Dan insane, and he wonders if he can stop the game to go put them underneath an iron for a second. “You are so destructive, why can’t you just play nicely.” 

  
  
“I am! You’re the one being all unsportsmanlike, telling me my rules are wrong even though I definitely read them in the instruction book that has gone, un-mysteriously, missing.” 

  
  
“It’s not un-mysterious to shove an instruction book in the bin under the guise of ‘thinking’ it’s rubbish, it’s blatant sabotage.” He rolls again, there’s too much talking not enough trying to get to the end of this hell game. It’s uneventful, lands on a square he already owns.

  
  
“It was accidental. It looked like rubbish.” Phil rolls, and - 

“Ha! Jail. You deserve it.” It’s justice at it’s finest, delivered by the monopoly gods. “What you get for being a complete hooligan.” 

  
  
“You’ll pay bail, you’ll miss me too much.” And it’s the next distraction attempt from Phil that causes the downfall of the entire game, in his attempt to grab Dan’s hand so he can sneak out of his life-sentence he smacks nearly every single house off the board. 

  
  
“Well, fuck.”

  
  
“I won.” Phil declares, almost immediately, like he’s been waiting to say it. 

  
  
“Alright, how’d you figure that one out?” He gestures between his massive pile of money and Phil’s pathetic one. “New rule in the instruction book I missed out on? Winner is actually the one who goes bankrupt.”

“I have a photographic memory, if I close my eyes I can see the board in my mind.” And he does, too, screws his eyes up like that’s going to convince Dan of anything.

  
  
“Funny how you can’t tell me where all the sweets are after they vanish from the cupboard. Was this an overnight thing, the new memory? Or have you just been holding out on me all these years?” Dan’s already putting everything back into the box, doesn’t even know why he’d agreed to the stupid thing in the first place - quarantine does something to your common sense. 

  
  
“Well, no, fine, I don’t. But if we take into consideration all the back-rent you owe me..” Phil shrugs, like it’s fair, like it’s not a massive lie. 

  
  
“Phil.”

  
  
“All or nothing?” He tries, Dan shakes his head because he had been expecting that, expecting it from the moment the game started. 

“Absolutely fucking not, i’m not playing another round of that.”

  
  
Phil frowns, looks liked he’d suggested it without actually thinking - what was new - realises he really doesn’t want that either. “Draw?”

  
  
“If you intend for your foot on my thigh to go any higher,” yet another attempt at distraction, “then i’ll just let you take the entire thing.”

  
  
“Then I guess I win.”

  
  
Monopoly may be hell, but Phil’s the devil.

**Author's Note:**

> [ if you'd like to reblog on tumblr in support, i appreciate it! ](https://fictropes.tumblr.com/post/628350452406353920/alls-fair-in-love-and-monopoly)
> 
> Phil you're such a snek. Hope you enjoyed this lil thing, lemme know your thoughts on distraction techniques.


End file.
